Fake it till you Make it?

We've all heard this saying before, but can it apply to grieving? As a professional, we are often told to act confident when we may feel inadequate, unprepared, or simply out of our comfort zone. Certainly, if we come across to others as unprepared or incompetent, it will be hard for them to put their trust in anything we might say or do in the business world. It is possible to speak with confidence and conviction even when we don't have all of the answers. Often, it is in the way that we present ourselves and how we speak that can make an impression, rather than in the actual words themselves. You have likely heard the expression that we may not remember what someone said to us, but we will remember how they made us feel.

In the case of someone who is grieving, many people don't have the right words to say to us, and even if they did we may not be in a mental and emotional state to remember their words. But, if they gave us a

warm hug, brought us a meal, checked on us and sat with us just so that we wouldn't be alone, we will probably remember those acts.

Family and friends sometimes do not know the right thing to say or do at any given moment when we are grieving, but they try. So, can we try also by at least recognizing the effort, the kindness, the concern for our wellbeing? If they put effort into attempting to brighten our day just a little, can we make an effort to respond with a smile or with gratitude? And it will take effort, because smiles and gratitude don't come easily when we are in the throes of grief. But as in all relationships, when we smile or acknowledge their effort, it is positive reinforcement for them to do more of the same, and so we are the beneficiary of more kindness, more help, more love. And so, yes it can be healthy and healing to offer a smile or a laugh, or to pretend that we are enjoying a meal or an outing together even when we are still lost in our sadness. It may feel artificial and insincere, but some day you hopefully will not be faking it anymore.

Sometimes we deny our grieving selves a small glimpse of pleasure or fun because we turn down requests to get together with others, believing that there is no way that we could possibly enjoy doing so. But even very brief glimpses of having a fun moment or laughing with others can remind us that there is hope of more of these moments to come. Brighter days are ahead as we learn that grief and happiness can coincide as we grow and make room for both in our new lives.